i make my fairytale

I wanted to tell you that I am having alot of BAC time..."Bad ass Cass" but there has been ALOT of tears and confusion and weightloss that seems to have gotten me here.

I keep telling myself that my body is temple...and I need to treat it better than I have...so no more sadness, no more not eating. I am the only one who can rock me and so guess what? I am.

Before I was waiting on my husbands response to me to decide my mood....Now, no more. IF he wakes up tomorrow and says, crap, what have I done..then that happens but I am no longer waiting for that or him to be nice to me. He is gonna be real angry when he sees the divorce papers, but oh well. I was angry when he cheated and lied. So oh well...and seeing the new movie "Love and other drugs" makes me want a better life cause seeing that and it being a script from my life, makes me want more. I want a partner that supports me in my illness, my photography, my walk with God...and Gary did none of those.

I will keep praying for his salvation. But I dont want that anymore. I want someone who adores me like I adored Gary. I wont lie that I am sad that I did that for 8 years and the rejection sucks, but I have and am growing from it and want more so I have to realize that its ok....

please keep praying that I stay strong...

I can rock this....

so I went on a date...an alone date with a hottie. It was nice. We laughed and laughed for 3 hours. It made me realize how much Gary and I settled. I am pretty funny and I am sad that Gary never saw that in me. But being with this guy, it came out how funny I am and I wont lie, it made me feel like I can rock this. Not that he is my new guy, but I luved that I rocked it.

My mom told me on her deathbed to never ever settle. ( And how is better to take advice from) So yes it sucks that we arnt together anymore but I wont waist anymore time hoping he wakes up.

So today I get a date with my cousin. I have had to reschedule like 4526325 times. I went to Vegas, and I am sad that its so hard to upload pics to here...any suggestions?

I had the best time in Vegas, was very motivated. I was super sick too....but i rocked it. I got several text from Gary while I was there...he was very friendly and told me he still cared about me and to spend whatever money I wanted...he wanted me to be happy...So i got home and stopped returning his text and stopped all communication with him. I took the remaining stuff of his and his mail to his moms. Its just to hard. I am getting stronger not to be sucked back in to his charm.

Then I find out yesterday from him, that he went to Ga to clear his head. He is unsure if he has done the right thing with us. He is staying at his brothers. I asked him if I could get our dog and he said yes. So I am today and Ill see him when he gets home, I guess.

No I dont think he is coming back to me. I think he is soul searching. This is what I wanted him to do from the get go. He was selling himself and anygirl short and screwed me sideways ...so I hope he finds his smile...

And if he came back today saying, Im so sorry and I love you...no I wouldnt take the broken guy back. I do have major empathy for him because I went through the roughness with multiple IVF's too, but he has to learn how to deal with issues and not bail.

on a funny note...he girl toy thinks that he isnt married...so I guess if you take off your ring and hump someone else, your not married...just fyi, next time you go out...what is that the new version of the zip code rule? hahhaahhaah

she is a gem.
he is too.....

too late

I have been super sick. I guess the not eating for 6 weeks and sleeping occasionally has finally caught up with me....So one Zpac later and some cough syrup with codene, Ill rock this too....

Tonight I am having game night at my house. Pizza, beer and lots and lots of friends and I know this night will rock....Then on Sunday I go to Vegas for a confrence and some fun..I cant wait.

The longer I am separated the more I like it. I like that I found myself. I love that I feel strong without him. I look at all the things I gave up for him, like my mushyness and romanticness that I am glad I have found again. One time I got a hotel suite and put roses and candles in it and had him meet me for dinner and had the waitress give him the room key with a card to come up to the room to meet me, and he didnt love it. He was embarrassed...WHAT? So yes I will find someone that loves the way I love him...I have more stories like that that he didnt like....Yes I put posterbaords on the highway for him for Vday...and once again he didnt love...so no thank you is how I feel. Have fun with your new girl, cause I love me and I am having fun.

There is an Eminem song that describes how I feel to a T...It has alot of curse words but its where I am...like woah vulgur but so perfect

Harry Potter

I talk to my amazing husband the other day when he got his bonus and he told me what bills to pay...We talked about all the bills to pay and he said do it..I asked him if he wanted to wait to pay the mortgage till Tuesday and he said no. So I paid the bills. That leaves a few dollars in our account. He text me last night that he needs money now, there is zero in the bank....I didnt text him back.

But I wanted to ask him...
Do you think I am Harry Potter?
or
tell me where you are so I can leave my date and do dishes so they will let you and your girl leave.
or
Do you want me to get paid for sex?

Im confused..he is a smart boy so I thought, he can add and subtract and I told him what bills...how is it my fault that we have no money? How is it fair that my husband leaves me with $5.00 to buy toothpast, toilet paper, tampons...How is this fair?

I wont lie, it used to make me so upset...now I laugh.

I think he thinks he is on the show the bachelor...and any girl is gonna fall in love with you if your only job is to wine and dine her with unlimited money...but have her rob Peter to pay Paul for a few weeks and see you overdraft and watch her knight and shining armor fall. I loved him wholly, faults and all...she is only seeing his good side right now....I hope she still loves him when he stops lying her.

btw, my brother told me something weeks ago and I couldnt wrap my mind around it...He said, just because he and her are perfect and last forever doesnt make you any less of an awesome person...it just means he isnt for you...I finally feel this way. I know that I am pretty awesome and I feel bad for him now. So I pray that God heals his heart because he is so broke....

btw, I stopped posting cause I thought no one wants to know my drama, but someone said they are being helped by me and it helps me to know that this awful pain is helping someone through their aweful pain

What goes around.....

I am at such a better place...I would be better if my husband would serve me with papers, or get his stuff out of our house, stop overdrawing our acct with all his fun, misc spending with his mistress, or tell people he is no longer with me and with a new girl...especially at his work.

I truly dont understand what he tells himself what I have possibly done to deserve this...not just cheating on me but all the crap since....seriously. I thought I was smart but I dont get it at all.....

He has told his mistress that he has waited his whole life for her...I think he needs a new line cause he used the same one on me 8 years ago....but she believes that she is the one...so did I...so good luck.

I am going out alot and having fun. This is the beginning, not the end.

Give it to me...

I have made a list of some of the things that I want in a mate/partner....Tony Robbins loves list and has made me do it ...cause we are BFF's..hahha

1. Love the Lord
2. tickles my back
3. tells me that I am beautiful and that he luvs me
4. if I get a nickname, it not be short for retarded
5. walks with me
6. cuddles on the couch to watch movies
7. plays board games with me
8. has a great career
10. loves me make me smile
11. funny like no other
12. loves his family
13. likes to save money
14. Looks in himself to see how he can be better and not blame everyone else
15. loves pictures/is a camera whore

These are must in the men that come into my life...