every.single.day

i hardly ever say how i feel always putting other feeling in front of my own....so my fb post are now very vague and no longer about my husband whom i adore still....almost 13 years later i still adore him. every.single.day.

I read 42546387 post about ONLY INSECURE WOMEN write how they adore their men.....um no...and today as im scrolling on fb i see a women who did IVF with me and it worked!!!! lost her hubby due to a car accident, leaving her widowed and a single mother of 3....so im taking this moment to say i adore my husband.....everyday he wakes up at 5am and works for us,  never complaining about our smaller then normal income, takes me around the world not ashamed of my illness, tells me im beautiful alot, makes dinner for us every.single.night.....and as im sobbing hating that i cant do my hair straight, he takes over and does it....so yes lucky me......

yay

ok i love a clean house but i cannot clean like before but my sis told me about this blogger clean mama and i love it..she has a daily schedule which i follow.....i now clean everyday,

so ive been looking for a cleaner i wont slip on....clr works but for me its super slippery, so i tried one part dawn and one part vinegar and left it for an hour and ohmylanta it works,

and i decided to wear my sidekicks which are the ballet slippers that fit in ur purse and ohmylanta they work too.....

i got alot done recently which deserves a big yayayayay....

i got this

today i travel by myself to dallas..im so excited for this trip but super nervous about traveling alone..then i think i went through both of my parents dying, infertility, unemployment, separation, and 2 cancers.....so i got this!!!



my sis n law said: u lived, now live

indepenence

so yesterday i got a shipment of a walker/rollater..when i got it, i was happy but I put it together this am and OMG ITS AWESOME. talk about giving me back some independence...ive done so much today which i love and when my husband gets home tonight and sees all i have done he will love as much as me.. its not in my vision of cool items but its pink and has a cute bc ribbon. so thanks to my bro for giving me some of me back...im so thankful

5 days

So I am working out.... A LOT like before I wouldnt work out on my days of PT and now I do....and Im eating good/healthy....Im not trying to loose weight, I just want to be healthy.....so today I did my ellpitical for 20 min, a 12 min routine with ashely borden, a legs on fire by blogilates for 10 minutes, then a squat routine by Blogilates

and I was super embarrassed because people can do a pushup, weaker can do girl ones, me- i can only do plank....so I have been asking trainers if its my SCA that makes it impossible or am I just weak from them cutting half my body off? so my therapist told me its NOT MY SCA. She told me to keep on trying but start on a counter or wall....and I did them and I CAN!!!! So I want to get stronger!!

and I didnt love working out because it makes my balance sooooo off when im sore or tired....but I think Im finally passing that. I almost ate it today but then came and worked out.....so yay me...

I remember being at the therapist 3 months ago and telling them i could only do elliptical for 20 minutes and that it......now I do way more, so I am getting better.

so trying and never giving up is working

speedbump

sorry for the crickets but my plate has been full. My husband and I are doing awesome. Im seeing a shrink that I love.

We went to the Dr for my routine visit for my SCA and they said that the MRI that I had showed that my cerebellum is the same size as it has been which is
AMAZING NEWS considering the amount it shrinks coralates with how much it has progressed..so the Dr said again I could be just like this forever...
but
they did find a mass on my pituitary gland. They said its the reason that my memory is so bad and my other symptoms like fatigue. So they took me in for an emergency MRI last night and my brother n law and his wife came and sat with us. It helped. I prayyyyy its nothing they cant take care of easily but when you have anything growing on your brain when your Dad died of cancer about a year ago, your kinda scared.

the above with the fact that my body gave in and got a cold with a 103 fever when I never get fevers was awesome....

I havent really told anyone cause of three reason...
a. I feel like I have had too much drama lately so this is just wtf?
b. I dont want it to be real. I thought SCA was my bad card I was delt, then infertility, now something growing in my brain.....
c. not everyone is my best friend. I thought I had 4455215487 of them, but after the recent events I know I can count them on one hand.

btw my husband looking at me in my most vurnable spot, telling me we will make this ok, so helped...then hugged me all night...and my niece and nephew telling me while laying on their couch that they love me is yummy...

off to another shoot this am...

posta hussy

today i have already posted a few times...here is another one andI wont lie, I wanted to post earlier....this is like my free shrink...

So I was praying earlier. I am having a hard time doing that..NOT that I don't believe there is a God...but he wont help me...that's all.

My Mom BELIEVED soooo strongly she would be healed until the day she died she thought God would say, " Just Kidding" but for whatever reason, he didn't.

Now that I have her sickness, I don't even ask for healing because I don't think he will heal me..for real.

Also, every time I have done IVFV, I have prayed and prayed in the shower, car, bed, and I never got pregnant.

Which leads to today, Im praying, crying to the Lord and mom calls. I cry to her about why Im struggling...she just said that God took her mom when she was 18 and he must have a reason...and Im not looking for that-I know God has a plan, Im looking for where to find faith and what do I need to pray for....

so when I am feeling like crap I either write all the things Im thankful for or put a crapload of makeup on and look pretty....so I did the latter. I look pretty cute...hair curled and makeup on.

I hope Im knocked up