i choose half full

I miss my happy-go lucky self. I miss my blog being a place of postivness. So YOU are the only one in charge of YOU so as of right now..no more negative Nancy...Yes, I still feel yucky and spotting and cramping is not helping but I refuse to have my life go on and me be sad....

so lets fill you in...

The photographer is amazing...I will not work with her. Our personalities are just different....but she is super talented....I had a story to blog about her but it is negative, like I cant seem find the silver lining in it, so I wont share....Just know that we are different.

I went to a birthday party and shot some amazing pics. I dont love my camera in lower light but it is what it is and I cant buy a $3000 camera right now. So until then I will make due....but it was nice to see that I am getting better...

My stepmother never paid my insurance premium for January so I owe for the entire IVF. If she refuses to pay it, I will sue her. I paid the $452.00 for the premium for January's cobra, she cashed my check. The insurance verified to the hospital that I had insurance on Jan 18 so how was I to know? Anyway, they are billing me and my stepmother asked me for the bills so I am hoping she is meaning to pay for them.

I realized I only told you about how lovey wouldnt get me a camera but not that he got me one...well he did. As you can see I love it.

I am going to call Loveys work to see if they can change my date of insurance to Jan 1st so that I dont have a 30 day lapse so that I wont be considered pre-exsisting if I get pregnant...I know it probably wont happen but what if?

We leave for Lake Tahoe on Tuesday which I am soooo excited about!

I spoke to my IVF nurse the other day. Her group got "let go" right after my ER last month...so it was her, my embryologist, and the ER Dr.
Loooong story, but Dr. Gelman isnt liscenced to do the IVF's so the embry Dr and the other Dr have to sign off on them but yet they work for Dr Gelman....now he hired a new Dr to do the IVF's with him....I hope its GREAT! But the nurse told me that I need to hydrate myself alot...No caffeine, No Alcohol and all the vitamins. She also told me about HGH which is Human Growth Hormone. She said that Dr's have been giving to cycling patients and it greatly helps with their egg development. So if we want to try, she greatly encourages that we do these things....She also said that we should look at all the IVF's that we have done as a way that we got rid of all the bad eggs- out of me....I like that:) So if we want to try again than we need to do these things....

if you have ever been to Lake Tahoe and you know of a good place to eat at or a place we should see, let me know:)

I still speak in faith...

it was brought to my attention today that my blog sounds so good and that I sound like life is going really good...well that would be awesome, but Im still broken:(

I have a had a bad couple of weeks. I am praying that God stands with me as I walk through this very dark path.....

in the past few weeks: I miscarried my 4th and final IVF attempt....I found out that my old stepmonster never paid my January Ins so all my claims have been denied. That means that the maybe IVF I was gonna ask Lovey to do in the summer is out of the question having to pay for this past one...the internship that turned into a job turned out to not turn into a job and is sooooo the wrong fit for me....an entire post (goes to this). I have been workiing out for almost 2 weeks and eating gerbil food and yet I have lost 0 lbs....I have been sick almost every day. I think it may be consitiapation which I am taking Olive oil to help with....We had fraud on our bank account for $1804.00. We waited till this week to buy our plane tickets for our vacation to Lake Tahoe and they went from $250.00 to $530.00 per ticket....My brother is 6 months behind on his mortgage and bills...His car was repoed last month....money being so tight, making it impossible for them to go skiing with us so we are going alone.


on the upside...I have a husband that is wonderful. We can afford for me to not stay with the not so nice photgrapher. I got a new awesome camera. I sold a 50k part for my brother to UPS....We had enough money in our account for fraud which was paid back to us once we got a police report. I have a GREAT friend who works out with me almost daily. My Dr office told me that they will work out a payment plan for my IVF if they dont pay for it. They only held the 1,804.00 for a few days till we got a police report....We leave for Lake Tahoe on Tuesday. We bought both our plane tickets on Priceline for $600.00 total...a fe more stops and a late arrival but its worth it to save so much money....my brother made some money and caught up on allll his bills....yyayayyayaya...Lovey gets to go to Lake Tahoe on vacation with me all by ourselves which will be fun!!!

so we can look at the glass half full or half empty...MOST of the time its half full, but sometime its just empty.....

Date night and Jewelry party

So Lovey took me on date...We went to Cheesecake Factory and to see the movie Valentines Day...it was so cute and we were soooo full...and suprisingly I didnt take any pics....

but I went to a Jewelry party and it was so fun!!!

my cute nephew and our cousins little boy...




my mom...what a hussy putting her earings she likes on display with her boobs


it was margies party






it was a lot of fun...I bought nothing but had a GREAT time!

camera hussy

so yes its true... im back in camera hussy status....



and our awesome tank with my aquarium setting on my new camera:)

softball

I go and watch Lovey plya softball 2 times a week....if its not raining, too cold, or very late....well now that Im working I have to get up earlier, I dont go to the late ones.

this is my Lindsay..i love her....she makes me laugh and always looks out for me..


my has ash two of the cutest girls ever...


said babies:)



then my bryan...he is married to my Jill and she is expecting their first little boy...

his little girl:)


love them all

Scotts Birthday:)

So Our friend Scott turned 25 the other day....We went to Longhorn to celebrate tonight...It was fun. I REALLY want to loose weight and am very self consious about it but I put that aside and had a GREAT time...

my sad moments are far and few between which is so nice compared to the daily crying fits.....I feel so much better.

I LOVE having a small camera again!!!!


our thin Keith with a mullet...he spins and has lost 40 lbs....omg

this is jon...he is married to Casey for almost 17 yrs...


this is another young one..handsome James:)


This is our Robbie


Mia with her 7th Iphone of in a year..She is married to Thin Keith!


Casey that is married to John..

Rob and Ash:)


The Birthday boy:)and his gf Crystal...they watch our house when we go out of town:)


and meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


Lovey taken a shot....

Keith and Robbie arm wrestling....Keith usually wins even with strangers but he is so thin now, he loses:(


Scott and batboy his bff...

it is getting better

So I went to work today. I havent felt great at all...very tired..and since the Dr yesterday I started bleeding again. fun...but the crying is WAY less which I love

So at work today my boss asked me to work part time or full time editing...she needs me to work whenever I can...so yay that Ill be working, doing what I love.
this is kellys face when lisa told her that i would be working full time. hahhah

so I love my new camera...get used to lots of pics!!!!

I ordered my vitamins and they will be here next week or so...$33.00 later..omg so cheapppppp

next step

So I went to the Dr today. He looked me over and said that my ovaries look a little beat up so he put me on a month of pills. He thought we wanted to start IVF right now...Im like no. Im like we have no more insurance but not only that, even if we did, my egg quality is not good...sao I would want to take the time to make them better...he sooooo agreed.

I asked about DHEA and Royal Jelly. He gave me a script for the DHEA. He strongly encourages that I need to take it for 3-4 months. He also told me to take any vitimans, herbs and acupuncture too...

I asked him if my egg quality had anything to do with me having a chemical..He told me no, not at all. He is encouraged that I got pregnant. He strongly thinks I should do IVF again.

Lets cross one bridge at a time....

Pills tonight.

DHEA ASAP

this way it isnt so final....

pray for me

btw, i got a new camera....ok i got a new camera but i took it back because it took AA batts...so I went and got my first camera love, the powershot SD 1200

and the day goes on....

So today I went to my new internship and still love it....my Dr told me to come in right away when I called but I couldnt...so tomorrow I go in at 9:30 for F/U...

Lovey and I talked last night because we kept disagreeing on something....He said we are done trying to get pregnant...but he wants us to keep the furniture that was for the babies room. He wants us to talk to Dr Gelman to see if he can give us a discounted cycle....He also wants us to keep the meds that I have...because "just in case" so when I want to jump on the all natural band wagon of "operation improve egg quality" he says noooooooooooooooooooooo way....just stop.

So to say the least, Im sad. I can handle getting my period every month and dealing then with not being pregnant but to say its final and that we are done makes me more than sad. Especially to know I GOT pregnant makes it harder. So I asked lovey again and he asked how much...I told him not alot and he said to order the stuff...so I am going to Dr Gelman tomorrow AM and I will ask him if there is anything else that he wants me to take....it takes at least 4 months to work.....

so I will be taking DHEA, Royal Jelly, CoQ10 and Wheat Grass.....and little caffeine:)

I keep praying that the Lords will be done in our life...I believe that it will be done..

so sweet

my sister n law called to see if I was up for visitors....seeing how cooper is 17 months....im like yeah..please come...he is like medicine on a sick day...and sure enough he was...so she came over and gave me a gift...a ring that says courage...its perfect with this card that was written just for me at just this time...

The card said believe...

then Lovey aunt and uncle and family who hadnt been here in 6 yrs just stopped by..His Aunt went through like 8-10 miscarraiges and a baby dying in the hospital when he was born...they had no idea about me....it seemed kinda perfect. She told me not to give up. Dont quit.

I truly dont know what to do....

A friend had this song go through her head all day and emailed it to me...here are the lyrics....hits so close to home...the writer wrote it when she was going through her long battle with IF....

In the Waiting by Shannon Wexelberg

I’ve tried to be strong
Is there something I’ve done wrong?
‘Cause I’ve been waiting here so long.
You see each tear
As the months have turned to years.
For some reason You must want me here.
But I can see You’re breaking up my fallow ground
In this season of such barrenness,
Lord, I have found

(REFRAIN)
You are in the waiting
In that moment of my life
When my faith and hope collide.
While my heart’s anticipating
Just how and when You’ll move
That’s when you prove
You are in the waiting, too.
So plant Your seed
Till it’s living, Lord, in me.
Make me all You want me to be.

Unveil my eyes
If I’ve exchanged the truth for lies.
Give me faith so I can see
The work that you began
You will complete in me.
And I don’t have to understand the place You’re keeping me.

(BRIDGE)
You give me water in the desert.
You lift me up on eagles’ wings.
And from way up high
I can see my life
From Your view of things.
And though I’ve cried for an answer
I believe that I can say:
“Thank You, Lord, for every answer
You’ve delayed.”

thankful

k, im WAY toooo sad....soooooooooooooooo heres my thankful list

1. i'm so thankful for a husband that loves me so much and he does eveything possible to make me smile.
2. I'm so thankful for the internship at an amazing photgrapher whom I love.
3. I'm thankful for such an adorable house that is mine. That we have owned for almost 8 yrs.....
4. I'm thankful that though I am unemployed, we still have money in savings...
5. I'm thankful that God loves me despite all my flaws
6. I'm thankful that my friends and family knows me so well they know what to say or not say and when to say it.
7. I'm thankful for my spook. I love him and I LOVE that he loves me so much!
8. I'm thankful that I get to tube when we go to Tahoe in a few weeks.
9. I'm thankful that Lovey got me an awesome camera!
10. I'm thankful that I had insurance to do IVF four times.

my mom

so i started to clean to make me feel better...I went in what was our future twins room but now its just spare room that we need to clean up...so i open the closet and there is my moms overnight case that I packed up her things ay hospice when she died...now i havent been able to go through them that often...i open it to smell it but i dont take the things out but once every like 4521578 yrs...so I open it and for the first time I am able to go through it...I can smell her...her perfume is in there too....I cried and cried...I miss her so much. She was my biggest fan and she would just rock me in recliner forever if it helped...I miss that.

i miss her laugh. more. i miss how she laughed at everything I said.

i miss her wearing the most awful costume jewelry....i miss her wearing moomoos that were hideous. i miss her putting perfectly clean clothes in the laundry just so i had to come see her to pick it up wayyyy more often...I DONT MISS my reaction of yelling at her that I refuse to keep doing perfectly clean laundry...hindsight is 20/20 right? ugggg and after i would yell at her, she still did it because she knew i would come..and she loved me...even when i smoked...even when i was getting a divorce, even when i partied every night, and even when i had the shittiest boyfriends....she adored me and thought i was the cutest thing since sliced bread....gosh i miss her...i miss her because the last time I miscarried, i crawled up in her lap and she held me and told me it would be ok....gosh i miss that...

and it does get better

So we went to Lovery cold softball game...it was COLD for us floridians and a 9:30 game to site in one place for over an hour...brrrr...

I wont lie, it was hard to hear how happy Bry is about him having a little boy..They found out for sure that day. It was hard considering I had cried allll day.

So a little back story. Lovey got me a small canon power shot a few years back and I LOVED it. I used till it broke in more than one spot...so I stopped using it. I had my big camera so it was cool it was broke at first, but then I was like over my big camera at every resturant. Anyway, I took the memory card out of it a few months back and cant seem to find it since then.

So I ask lovey if I can buy a new one before we go to tahoe. He says no. Now I dont have to ask to buy anything. He also lets me get anything.....anyyyything. So I was suprised to say the least that he said no...So we argue and argue and he basically said he thought it was irresponsible for me to not want to find it, that I didnt care and he isnt buying me a new camera for me to loose and not care about. I told him how I didnt care because it was BROKE....we went in this circle for half hour...I went to the grocery store...to try and cool off but i cried there like a had at home all day...so I get home and I sit and cry some more in the kitchen...then wipe off my running mascara and go to loveys game. I was so broken.

Yesterday I wake up to such heavy cramping and bleeding..like woah..my lining was over 16 so I knew it would be heavy. I get dressed for work and go. I warn my boss that it might be a short day and she of course says no worries...she showed me a lot of stuff with my camera...such simple stuff that I was embarressed that I didnt get but it was nice that it clicked...so at 3:30 I go to the bathroom and it was messy to say the least....I got blood on the floor...uggg...so i walked out after 15 minutes in there and told them I had to go...so I took a prescription strength ibprofen and drove hom. I called lovey crying again and told him I was on my way home and why...

I come home and go to the bathroom clean up again and then lie on the couch. Lovey comes home and makes us steak, potaotoes, greenbeans...yumyum...I look over on the table and there is a heart bag...I walk over to it and there is a new camera...a canon powershot.....i cry some more...he is like you might not want it because it takes regular batt...so I played and I love it...it is bigger than my old one but not alotttt so i love....I was just sad that I felt so crappy that I couldnt enjoy it as much as I wanted to.

I then went on the message board for tww to see what my friends beta was...it was negative...my heart sunk some more. So they are doing another IVF but trying to improve quality of her eggs...so her along with another couple of girls are talking about DHEA and royal jelly and how it sooo helps and I want to jump on the bandwagon...so I look it up and I want to buy it...along with that it says to not have caffeine to imrpove egg quality....so I feel it will still be trying, not drinking what i want or eating what i want. So we get in bed and I ask lovey what he thinks and he says...dont do it...leave it alone....if you do that then you are still trying and I think we need to stop. I said its so hard to just stop...coming to grips with this....it breaks my heart. He is like I know but its time we act normal....

Lord heal my broken heart.

gonna get better

I speak in Faith....

I started spotting soooo lightly last night and this morning and I dont want a reminder of me not being pregnant anymore so come on full fledge period and get it over with...Its almost like its not hard enough to know your miscarrying and then to have the spotting be so light you wonder when it will pick up....ugggg

on a better note...I went walking for 3 miles today with a good friend...its been so long and it was nice to just be us...Lord knows thats what I need...anything to feel normal...she sent me this quote too that I will leane on..

The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you!


I go back tomorrow at the job/internship that I started Wednesday..It seems like I will love this:) The people seem nice and it seems to be water under the bridge, the email that I accidentally and inappropiately sent them.

I went to my cousin/aunt night last night. No one asked me about the miscarraige which I was SOO happy about....my cousin Jill is pregnant, 20wks....she has a little bity belly...I thought it would be painful to see her but I wont allow myself to go there. We have Loveys softball tonight so I get to freeze at the game...and here I thought that I was the lucky one when Jess told me that her girls played softball tonight and she was gonna freeze and I thought we didnt have one...nice:) It will give me a chance to wear my cute ass clothes..and take pictures...not...speaking of. I am gonna buy a small camera for the trip...like a canon powershot...I lost my broke one...I need one so you can see the awesome self portraits!!!

New Day

So today I get to start learning at a photo studio...I am SOOOO excited.. Im happy because I have wanted to learn this for awhile but also because it will be a nice distraction. I am broke. I keep crying all the time. Lovey just hugs me. He seems to not be as sad because he thinks we will get pregnant by ourself which I dont think so but he so does....

I worked out yesterday. I ate REALLY good. I wanna loose 20lbs ASAP.

I have cousin/aunt night which Im sure I will cry at...i love them all and I thought I would pregnant longer than 5 minutes..ugggg

i put two songs on my playlist by hillsong...Healer and you came to my rescue...Im trying to live these songs.

I wonder if I am going through this to bring me closer to God. I rely on him but really myself more than anyone.

for over three years this has been a place to come an write about my journey with IF...now that time is over....

so I was gonna never blog again, but I have made ALOT of GOOD friends through this blog...so I'm staying. I wanna support you when your babies are having a wondeful time or not so great...I wanna see pics!!!

I dont understand why God choose this difficult road for me but he did...

I have to believe that God is with me during this time.

and for the record..I still have the best husband..i love him. lucky me

Ivf #4 update 30 and final

Beta in...negative..

im too sad to post more....

Im pregnant:)

Its a thursday, Feb4th. Lovey is with me. We go in a 9:30 for my beta. I cry through the whole thing. They think that I have already tested and it was negative and that is why Im so sad...Im like no, this is just our final one...and its always no.

So Lovey takes me to cracker barrel. Then to Kohls and Marshalls to pass the time...We get home and about 20 minutes later my cell rings...its Dr Gelman.
in the best and most postive voice
Your beta is positive
a low positve but a positive....Im like what...he says, you need a 5 to be pregnant and you have a 6...he tells me to come back monday and retest....make sure I keep on all my meds...
I hang up and tell lovey, were pregnant but im probably gonna miscarry...I cry. Mom comes in and when she gets off the phone, I tell her. She thinks Im lying...I tell her no...we are pregnant...
I talk to my family and friends and they all reassure me that it will be perfect.

A girl on a message board I am at alot had a dream that my beta went to twohundres something....I LOVE that...
a friend that went through this told me that every pregnancy has to have some drama...this is mine...She also told me that this fear I have will never go away..she says first its the beta, then its 12 wks, then viability, then hope they deliver after the shower, then when they are born about nursing and then sickness, then shots and it never ends................

so days go by...ive hardly gone online because there is so much negativity and Im scared to see it and convince myself that I will miscarry...
well i have prayed and prayed that God is with me regardless to this outcome...Well Im at such a peace. I feel so wonderful.
I do feel sick sometimes when I dont eat. Ive still got the vomit burbs. My boobs are still sore...I hope and pray this is it.


so until proven otherwise im so pregnant!
update...tomorrow

IVF#4 update 29

i woke up this am with the following signs....

boobs still hurt like woah even though the did fade back a day
sill vomit burbs which are awesome...not
cramps are not as intense as they were for a few days which I love. They were like period cramps that came and went.

today i am spending time with friends...I hope Im distracted.

tomorrow is superbowl in whcih I have a super cute outfit for...yes it includes socks!!!

I was afraid to start taking belly shots but I think I wont be afraid....Ill be sad if this all works out and I have no pics from the first few days being the camera whore I am.

I believe now more than ever that God is with me. I have such a peace about this. Please continue to pray!

IVF #4 update 29

so I looked BREIFLY at low betas...I wont look alot so I wont be discouraged because I believe that this is in Gods hands...not mine.

so I found a blog where she ask people to leave comments of low betas that have children....these are just some of them...

so leave your comment of the same or just pray:)

All right, my similarly low beta started kindergartent this year; does that count?

As near as I can remember, the initial beta (13 days after 3-day transfer) was 27. Two days later, it was 50 something - not quite doubling. It took four more days before we went from barely-doubling to more-than-doubling. Take heart.

For my IVF they did the first beat at 16dpo (13dp3dt) it was 105. They dont do a second beta unless the number is under 100. 1 week later they did an ultrasound and found a gest sac which was small for the dates they had and they did another beat. That was 23dpo, it was 482. My RE told me to expect this to be a blighted ovum and to prepare for bad news. He did another beta at 26dpo and that was 947. Finally at 31dpo they found a heartbeat. All along they told me my numbers were low, the gestational sac was small and even after they found a heartbeat they said things werent as good as they had hoped.

I am happy to say I am now 15 weeks. Even non doubling beta numbers arent always a bad thing. You doubled and I am very optimistic for you. I am so so so happy!!
I've Googled the crap out of low betas (I had a 14... yikes) and everything I've read has said it's not the number, it's the doubling.
Besides, your numbers sound great!
Hang in there.

IVF #4 update 28

beta is in its a 6

we need a 5 for pregnancy..so im pregnant....

the dr asked me to come in monday...

maybe there late implanters....pray pray pray

If the number doesnt go up then im miscarrying....lets pray thats NOT the case.

IVF#4 update 27

I cried during my beta..They asked me if I had tested and I told them no im just nervious....They havew never seen me not bubbly and here I am sobbing.

pio last week was i think he said 57...like really good.

they did an ultrasound to make sure that my ovaries were good...they are:) he said I look perfect...my lining was a 16...nice and thick...

he said i needed to believe...I said that we were having twins...and he looked up to God and said out of her lips to your ears...

they call after 4 today to let us know.

im very emtional, maybe thats a sign of pregnancy....my lining is thick which is GREAT and my pio is awesome too!!!!

Lovey is taking me shopping to get my mind off this as much as possible...we were gonna go to a movie but it will end to late....we cant miss this call

IVF #4 update 26

So today I go for my beta...life will change one way or the other in a BIG way. I hope, pray, and have faith that God will give me the desires of my heart. My desire is that he will make his will happen in my life...so tomorrow whatever he has planned will happen...

my Dad told me a long time ago that we are just a small piece of a giant puzzle....

I think it may be a good time go visit my moms grave...I go there to remember..if I got through that, then I can get through this....

Lord, be with me today.

My mother n law is coming to be with me when I get the call...gosh I love her.

Ivf #4 update 25

This is the picture that I took before I started my 4th IVF in my nurses office...

I BELIEVE

IVF #4 update 24

k..so I calmed down. I talked to a REALLY good friend of mine that has walked in my shoes before and it soothed my soul..and no im not kissing her ass because i know she might be reading this....hahahahha

she told me something that stuck with me...Believe...Believe that God is with you especially during this time. Either outcome he is with you...

Im not gonna test....beta thursday am.

it was so good to laugh and cry today...thanks amanda...luv u

IVF #4 update 23

Im gonna test tonight. I have one digi test..

Lovey called me this am and I was crying. AGAIN. He asked why am I tortoring myself...just test, then we will know.

Im usually not this much of a mess but since this is our final IVF and we are done with our TTC journey, it breaks my heart. It so final.

So tonight I will test...lets hope I pass...but I will probably fail since I always do....not that I havent studied...haha

IVF #4 update 22

I woke up this am with less sore boobs

11dpt3dt

posta hussy

today i have already posted a few times...here is another one andI wont lie, I wanted to post earlier....this is like my free shrink...

So I was praying earlier. I am having a hard time doing that..NOT that I don't believe there is a God...but he wont help me...that's all.

My Mom BELIEVED soooo strongly she would be healed until the day she died she thought God would say, " Just Kidding" but for whatever reason, he didn't.

Now that I have her sickness, I don't even ask for healing because I don't think he will heal me..for real.

Also, every time I have done IVFV, I have prayed and prayed in the shower, car, bed, and I never got pregnant.

Which leads to today, Im praying, crying to the Lord and mom calls. I cry to her about why Im struggling...she just said that God took her mom when she was 18 and he must have a reason...and Im not looking for that-I know God has a plan, Im looking for where to find faith and what do I need to pray for....

so when I am feeling like crap I either write all the things Im thankful for or put a crapload of makeup on and look pretty....so I did the latter. I look pretty cute...hair curled and makeup on.

I hope Im knocked up

IVf #4 update 21

I went back to see my symptoms and its not real specific.....ugggg

its 10dpt3dt....boobs still very sore..the got less sore for a half day on like 6dpt3dt....
vomit burbs, not alot but like a few aday
bloated yesterday and today
AF cramps yesterday and today
Was not tired last night at like 11pm...mind racing if im prego or not....

I called the Dr to try and get them to do beta tomorrow..she said no...its too early. The used to do them wednesday but now they are closed so they are doing thursday.. she asked me to not take a pee test because it may say no and be wrong.

I told her I wanna hear her say that my beta is 7million and i must have 521254 in there ahhahahahahahahh

Ivf #4 update 20

So today is 13DPO...Lovey wants me to test..but I dont want to. As soon as I do I feel like it will be the end of our long TTC battle with a negative.

Lovey told me last night...well if its negative than we know we gave it more than %100...which I agree with but its so hard...

I hope I'm wrong and that its positive. I truly do. But its always no.

I may wait till my beta thursday.....