i choose half full

I miss my happy-go lucky self. I miss my blog being a place of postivness. So YOU are the only one in charge of YOU so as of right now..no more negative Nancy...Yes, I still feel yucky and spotting and cramping is not helping but I refuse to have my life go on and me be sad....

so lets fill you in...

The photographer is amazing...I will not work with her. Our personalities are just different....but she is super talented....I had a story to blog about her but it is negative, like I cant seem find the silver lining in it, so I wont share....Just know that we are different.

I went to a birthday party and shot some amazing pics. I dont love my camera in lower light but it is what it is and I cant buy a $3000 camera right now. So until then I will make due....but it was nice to see that I am getting better...

My stepmother never paid my insurance premium for January so I owe for the entire IVF. If she refuses to pay it, I will sue her. I paid the $452.00 for the premium for January's cobra, she cashed my check. The insurance verified to the hospital that I had insurance on Jan 18 so how was I to know? Anyway, they are billing me and my stepmother asked me for the bills so I am hoping she is meaning to pay for them.

I realized I only told you about how lovey wouldnt get me a camera but not that he got me one...well he did. As you can see I love it.

I am going to call Loveys work to see if they can change my date of insurance to Jan 1st so that I dont have a 30 day lapse so that I wont be considered pre-exsisting if I get pregnant...I know it probably wont happen but what if?

We leave for Lake Tahoe on Tuesday which I am soooo excited about!

I spoke to my IVF nurse the other day. Her group got "let go" right after my ER last month...so it was her, my embryologist, and the ER Dr.
Loooong story, but Dr. Gelman isnt liscenced to do the IVF's so the embry Dr and the other Dr have to sign off on them but yet they work for Dr Gelman....now he hired a new Dr to do the IVF's with him....I hope its GREAT! But the nurse told me that I need to hydrate myself alot...No caffeine, No Alcohol and all the vitamins. She also told me about HGH which is Human Growth Hormone. She said that Dr's have been giving to cycling patients and it greatly helps with their egg development. So if we want to try, she greatly encourages that we do these things....She also said that we should look at all the IVF's that we have done as a way that we got rid of all the bad eggs- out of me....I like that:) So if we want to try again than we need to do these things....

if you have ever been to Lake Tahoe and you know of a good place to eat at or a place we should see, let me know:)

Ivf #4 update 18

Any of your mammas or pregos...can you share your pregnancy stories with me? I want to be encouraged by your symptoms or lack off..how you knew or if you were completely suprised!!!

yoga

I did my 2nd class of yoga but first real class of yoga. I wont lie. It was hard. I sweated alot. It made me sad/mad that im this sick. I refuse to take this. I will continue to go even if its sooo hard. The teacher said she was so proud of me. She said I did the whole thing and it was intermediate. So I wont give up and I will keep trying and getting better!!!!

k, i have so much to do...

babysit Cooper when he gets here, upload pics from our trip and clean some more of my house.

We went to Disney for 5 days. It was wonderful...tiring but wonderful. We got a new 55 inch TV in our living room. Its VERY nice and Im not even into TV's. My husband signed me up for our moms neighborhoods fall festival that she runs for a photography booth. He says I have to do it. I ordered business cards and I have to make a website, but Casicline Designs is on its way. I am only nervious because my balance isnt so great to be taking pics but IM DOING IT!!!!

I went to Acupuncture again. I love it. I go to the Dr on Thursday to get this IVF party started again. I hope the cyst shrunk and I hope my FSH is down.

I have been taking wheat grass pills, CoQ10, Monavie, and another antioxdiant......so we shall see if its works:) Also other than me TOTALLY not doing the GF diet or any diet in Disney, Im on it again...but, can you say ohmylanta I ate aLOT!!!!!

Acupuncture bliss

So I went and had my first round of acupuncture this cycle. I went to the girl that I love and went to years ago...I have missed her and didnt realize how much till I saw her.

She is working on shrinking that cyst and helping my eggies be GREAT this time....

tomorrow at 10am I go again:) I cant wait!!!!

and Monavie is arriving tonight so yay for that too!!!!

so we leave for Disney in a few days. I am sooooooooooo excited. Lovey has planned this out to a T. He has researched and researched and I love it:)

I am sitting here while its rainin,g blogging because its too dark and gloomy to retake pics of cooper again. Yes, I want to redo some of his pics. Im really at a loss on how to take pics without a flash much less a flash and they still stink.. So Rachel if your reading this, please share your wisdom:)

Lovey and I have discussed changing Dr.'s. He doesn't want to till after this cycle. He said that if after this cycle we arn't prego, then we can switch. I found a Dr. in Boca that has good/high success rates. I'm sad I didn't realize that he was on my insurance till now. I put in a call to order my meds for this next cycle.

I am taking Wheatgrass pills and I am waiting for the Dr to call me back about the DHEA. I am also going to start taking Mannatech Ambrotose AO which are good multi's. I have been doing the gluten free diet.
If anyone knows about this diet, please fill me in....
They say that haveing a piece of bread on the plate can contaminate the person. Well I dont have an allergy. I dont even have an symptoms when I do have gluten but I am doing it anyway, so
A. is contamination bad for me? if so, is it worth it to do the diet if I mess up all the time getting my food contaminated?
B. when you have gluten, how long does it take to leave your body?


annnnd

Dr. update

Sorry for not updating but my sister n law and niece are here. We are having the best time. I'm falling more and more in love with my niece. She loves her Aunt Cassie which melts my heart.

We went to the Dr. yesterday. It was the best meeting we have had with Dr personality, to date. But still he isn't so social.
He informed us about alot of things. Ill try and summarize it.

Im the problem. My eggs arnt good. My FSH is 9.8 from 7.4 in Feb 09 and 2.7 in 08/07. That's a HUGE rise. My Anti malarian hormone is 1.4. He said this isnt great.
He explained that if alot of my eggs get fertilize but die in 3 days it means its a sperm issue. If my eggs fertilize but are slow growers it means bad eggs. He said with my little amount of eggs and the slow progress of them, its not good. We asked him to do the Microdose Lupron Flare Protocal. He said he would try it for us. He does recommend an egg donor instead. Lovey wont do this. I would, but he wont. At least not yet.

I wont lie, Im a mess. I NEVER thought this would be my life.

if you have any advise please give it to me. And prayers, lots of those please.

Jess found an awesome blog that Ive been consumed on reading since yesterday...its an IVF Dr at NYU. So far its very informative.

http://infertilityblog.blogspot.com/

pics of my 452125487 Drugs

Like my wonderful drugs? 2nd round...so much fun....and yes I know that it will be a wonderful outcome but I wont lie...this round had kicked my toosh....its been harder than last time, thats for sure.

IVF update # 15

The Dr called. its not good news.

one 8 cell perfect embie
one 4 cell perfect slow embie
two 5 cell fragmented embie
one embie didnt even divide

they have advised us to grow and see what we have Sunday and freeze the good emnbies. Do another cycle. We are working with the insurance to do another cycle...

we need more than 1 embie to send off for biopsy for PGD.

so as of right now we are forgoing this cycle.

please pray this has been a tough month

IVF update #14

so yesterday we went in for our Egg retrieval. Lovey is anti-love room. So he was going to give me some little loveyes at home and we would take them there. Well I woke up at 5am, couldn't sleep from the nervousness, and I saw on the news that a cop was killed on the turnpike were we were going. So afraid we would get stuck in traffic, lovey decided to give me lil loveys in the bathroom at the place. I know i know, the bathroom vs the private room made for this stuff....I tried to convince him but he wouldn't listen.
My Lovey and my Jess is whom went with me. Thank God she went to help Lovey take care of me. He does pretty good, but I was a hot mess, thank God for her.
Well, they took me in and the nervousness got wayyyy worse. The Dr came in and said Hi. Then they put in my IVF and gave me meds and the next thing I know I wake up and they tell me they got 10 eggs. I go pee and get undressed out my paper gown (I was such a hottie in the paper doll dress) and we go home. Besides the cramps which I was told is normal, I'm fine. I get home and get nauseous. Then I get a cold in my head. My eyes wont stop tearing, I sneeze, which doesn't feel very good with my lady parts being fragile, and I am all stuffed up...uggggh I slept most of the day, and night. I feel WAY better other than this dumb head cold.
Today they call me with the fertilization report. Lets pray for 100% fert!!!

and yes, for a moment yesterday I did think that I might not do this ever again but that moment has passed.

IVF Update #13

We did the HCG shot lastr night at 9:30. I wont lie. I was VERY scared. But lovey a great job. It made my muscle feel tight for like 15 minutes and then nothing.

I did my HCG test this am (HPT test) and it came out postive and I was like hahahha that my first BFF!!!! hahhahahaa

Egg retreval is at 9:30am....to be continued....

pray for me:)

IVF Update # 12

Egg retreval set for Tuesday at 9am:)

We did one shot of follistim 150IU this afternoon. We get to do the HCG shot tonight at 9:30. I took my prenatal and baby aspirin for the last time until after the egg retreval...Woah...we are sooooooooooooooooooo here!!!!!

Other than being tired ALL the time, I havent had alot of side effects, which is wonderful. I have a lil belly, gained like 5lbs so far. They said that tomorrow I might feel alot of side effects....we shall see.

IVF update #11

We went this am another check. The Dr wanted to see me for my last scan. He said I look really good. As long as my Estrogen is ok, they will call us around noon and tell us what time to do the HCG shot. If my Est is too low they will have me do another midday dose of the follitstim. Thank God that Lovey went with me, because they gave him specific instructions on how to give the HCG and the progestrone shots....I go tomorrow for a urine test to make sure everything is good for the HCG shot.
YaY!
They think the ER will be tuesday. And our Dr wont be here for the ET either but ohhh well.

So I have all the " friends" on que for netflix...aaaannnnnnnd we wait...any thoughts? any advise?

and my nurse told me that she doesnt think it will be so painful for the ET....she said that I may have slight cramping and soreness but she thinks thats it..I hope she is right!

IVF update #10

I went this am for a follie check. They called me last night and said the Dr wanted to see me today and I might start the HCG shot Sat night.
Well Lovey had to work and Jess said she might not be able to go. I have to admit I was sad. I didnt want to go alone. But I didnt say anything to anyone. Lovey wanted me to call Mom and ask her but I felt bad it was so early and all the way in Miami, so I didnt. Well at 9:30 last night Jess called me and told me that she could GO WITH ME!!! yayyyyy! I almost cried, I was so happy. So her the girls went to miami this morning to see the chickadees.
Thank the Lord she went because it was very tender up in there. The girls were like woah...you have a guy Dr? hahahahha We are like, you just choose the best Dr and if there a boy or a girl, you take it...it was cute though.
Well my mini me's are growing along. I couldnt count, there was alot of them.
So the nurse called today and told me that everything looks great. No changes in my meds. She said there was 14 follies. I dont know the sizes or anything. She told me to bring the person giving me the HCG shot to tomorrows appt.

This was a great appointment.
BTW: he is going to the middle east so he wont be here for my ER:(

IVF update #9

We went for our now daily visit to see our lil mini me's...

The Dr told me when they called last night that I would have to travel to the Kendall office today which is 80 miles round trip...its far..We like the Pines office which is like 15 miles of almost all highway..so I was sad, but it is what it is.
They called me this am at 9am and told me that they would actually be at the pines location if I wanted to go there!!!!! Heck yeah I told her!!! So we went to Pines:)

Well the Dr Youngman came in and introed himself...yes- young hottie dr and a student looking at my hooha...well who hasnt at this point? lol So I proceed to tell him that I only have 10-or maybe 12 and that they were small and that I read on message boards how there are women with so many more and they are bigger at this point. He is like,I dont believe in BSing and I have looked at your chart and everything looks wonderful. Please stop reading the message boards...Lovey was SOOO happpy to hear this too. (He has been telling me for days to stop reading online.)
So I wont read online anymore about what the sizes and there count...mine is what it is. I only need one.
Lovey is coming down with the flu or a cold...he feels like crap:(

so thats our daily update:)

IVF update # 8

We went for our follie count.The appointment took a looooong time. But the nurse we had was wonderful. She told us that we have 12 follies. 2 are small and we probably wont use them, but we have 10 that are good size. They are all avg around 10mm...so they are growing a little slow....we will just have to bake em a lil longer.

We go again on Friday for another count. They estimate they will do the ER on .Tuesday or Wednesday.

I have a peace about this...

Soooo...last night at about 10, we went to go to bed and I smelled smoke...and Im like LOVEYYYY, SOMETHING IS ON FIRE IN THE ATTIC. So he runs and gets the ladder and up into the attic he goes and he said he could see smoke but couldn't find where it was coming from. So I call 911 and give them our address. I then pack up my IVF meds and put them outside, I then call my Jess and tell her I think my house might be on fire and ask her what I need to get. (I was soooo panicked and couldn't think at all) She told me to get my animals out. So I put the pups in my car. The firefighters get here and go immediately into my attic. The smell is strong, coming from our attic, but they can also smell it on out on our porch. Well they knock on our neighbors door to make them evacuate. Her parents are on vacation so only the daughter that was home. Well she wouldn't let them in. So they called the cops to let them in. Well she comes out and is crying and says...I was burning incense...We are like honey it isnt incense. Lovey comes out with the fire fighters and say that they cant find anything with a computer heat sensor and they are sweating like crazy. Then the awesome neighbor comes out and tells the firefighters that she was burning some papers in a dish and she didnt know that the fumes would come into our house. The firefighters tell her that they have to see the papers to see if that could have been it. Well she shows them that the HEFTY bag is in the trash bin, IT WAS STILL ON FIRE!!!!!!! so they put it out. She comes over to me and tells me, I'm so sorry that it came into your house. I was burning something personal. I'm like ok...and go into my house.Lovey is like " Dont talk to her" They take a report from her. And I'm a wreck inside, trying to calm down because im a little oven maken babies. So I asked lovey if she was burning his poems he wrote her because she is upset we are doing IVF hahhahahahahhahahah. He didn't think it was as funny as I did. hhahahaha


Accupuncture went well. I feel like she knew what she was doing. The needles hurt a little more at first. and she did the moxa...made the needles hot. She was really nice. I am going back on Friday afternoon. Yay!

IVF update # 7

The Dr.'s office called..

I have 4 on the right... 10, 8, 7 and 6
I have 4 on the left.... 11 3/8, dont know what the others are.

Estrogen 238 which she said was good.

I asked if it was bad if I only had 8 follies and she said..."if you get somemore thats great, if not then we will work with what we have" She was really sweet.

I go tomorrow for acupuncture at 3pm, then back to Dr Wednesday at 11:30 for another count.

I asked if because of my long lupron and BC protocal, it was hindering the amount of eggies I have produced and they said no:(

ohhh and my follistim got lowered to 150 IU from 225IU tomorrow night...and I start menopur tomorrow too:)

And my brother got a HUGE deal that he has been waiting on getting for weeks...HUGEHUGEHUGE DEAL....so yayayyayyayayyay....praise the Lord:)

IVF update #6

This morning I had my follicle count appointment. I woke up soooo nervous. Lovey couldn't go so my Jess went with me:) I'm sooo glad she did. I was scared that I would get there and the tech would tell me that I was a slow responder and tell me I had 2 or 3 total. Well I have 4 on the left and 4 on the right!!! YaY! Praise God!. After she put the wand in and told me I have retroverted uterus, jess looked down at me and mouthed....you have 4 on the right:) If it wasn't so tender I would have breathed a sigh of relief but I was concentrating on not peeing on the girl..hahhahahahah....So this is fantastic news. I will continue to grow more, I might start the menepur tomorrow. They will call me in a few hours and tell me what to do.

so I rest, drink lots of liquids and sing away to the littles baking:)

goood news

The Dr called....Estrogen a 38!!!! Starting follastem tomorrow!!!!!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

IVF update # 5

I got home from my trip to Texas for my Dad's funeral. It was a beautiful service. The officiator went on foooorever but so did my Dad, when it came to the Lord. They had a flag on his casket because he was a paratrooper in the Korean war...it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I have alot of pictures to post....

Butttt I had to update.

I went to the IVF Dr today. They did an ultrasound and bloodwork to make sure I'm were I need to be...well my ultrasound looked great, no cyst. I am waiting for my call to say my bloodwork looked great. When that comes then I start my "baby growing" shots!!!! yayayayay...Egg retreval is in like 10 or so days. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!

God does everything in his perfect timing. I feel like my Dad went to Heaven now and God gave me this to celebrate with to help me to not be so sad...because I have been soooo sad. This was way harder than I thought it would be. I thought I had such a hard heart for him but I didnt. And watching DJ just cry and cry broke me more. Thank the Lord he has his beautiful daughter to make him smile. My other brother Jasons speach was sooooo beautiful....Im so glad he spoke.

anyway pics to come, but yayyyyy for the shots!!!!