a vacation from life

First things first..dont have spell check on the laptop yet so apologize for the future post today.

So I got home from a very long week in Texas on Saturday night. I am getting ready to go to Las Vegas tonight for the weekend. I cant wait. My girlfriend is getting married in a few weeks and her best friend lives in Vegas and her fiancee is a chef for a fancy hotel so he can get us into the fancy clubs on the VIP list. We are also doing the thundar from down under which has been rated by "E" as one of the sexiest places to work in Vegas. We are going to have the most amazing time.

I wasnt gonna go, even though I bought my ticket months ago, due to recent events. But my husband and brother both told me to not pass this up. Dad wont even know if he needs chemo for a few weeks. So I am going and coming home. We are both in the wedding on the 10th of May and then back off to Texas for me.

I went and had a beta yesterday am at 10 DPO. It came out negative. The nurse called me and was so sad. I told her that I really really didnt think I was but I was to be safe since I am going to play in vegas. I also asked her why I am spotting midcycle for about 5 days. She said they will do abother HSG when I get back to see if I have a polop on my uterus. It can also be a hormonal imbalance...which because it stops once I start the progestron I kinda call the hormonal imbalance.

I am trying to decide if I should try this cycle or not....I am so confused....should opk it or monitor it, or ov watch it? hmmmm....

Dad is doing better compared to how he was but not even close to 100% yet. But I have to say I truly believe the morphine made him more sensitive to the pain than normal. Because now that he has been off of it he seems to be so much better!

I have 452458754 pics to post from my trip but I have to resize and I have has any time..but soon.

May 11th is 8 years that I lost my Mom and I am so thankful that I am not celebrating two parent deaths at this time.

Also I have a huge deal I working on for work and if it goes through it would be so awesome...so please pray for that, my Dad, my babymaking skills....crap just pray for me in general haha

Lets be thankful

I sit here in the hospital with my Dad watching him sleep. It is bittersweet..I love being here with him yet and so heartbroken because he is in so much pain.

This has been a hard journey not because caring for someone is hard..but the last time I brushed someones teeth in a hospital was when my mom was in hospice exactly 8 yearas ago. I hate to see him in so much pain. Having such a strong man look up at you with pupppy eyes asking for help, takes your breath away.

I wrote down all my questions yesterday and the Dr was happy. He is suppose to get out Thursday. They may remove the cathater today. We keep getting mixed remarks regarding his pain meds...His surgeon said he wasnt using the morphine enough but then the nurses are making cooments about how much he is using...so I am waiting for the nurse to come in so I can ask. I feel like saying...you get half your lung removed and then you say that he is usuing too much. I see the pain in his eyes...and his BP will go up to 240/? WAY to high.....Although the goal is to get him only on pills so he can go home. I think he thought monday he would go home....and now its maybe thursday...Not that he knows what day is what...he just knows his pain.

Lovey came into town on Friday. This is amazing EXCEPT he had a major allergic reaction to something at the dentist and was COVERED in bumps. We had to take him to Care now to get a injection and zpac. And I for some reason took my insurance card out of my wallet and he didnt have his either. Thank God for my Jess who went to my house and got a copy and faxed it over to care now. I did have a moment where it was like..Why me? Like, my plate is full enough with my Dad and now my husbanf looks like he has a very bad case of chicken pox (all gone now thank God). But that moment passed after venting yo my jess.

My shrink from years ago told me that when I am having a hard time being thankful, write a list..so here it goes.

1. I have a GREAT family that hugs me and lets me cry but then trys to make me laugh.
2. I have a GREAT job where I can not work or work a little at the hospital.
3. My Dad has a GREAT wife that adores him.
4. I have a husband that took his vacation just to be with me and DJ for just a hug or a laugh.
5. I a have a huge laptop that I am able to work on and write down my thoughts and feelings
6. The surgery went so well.
7. They only found one lymphnode with cancer out of 6.
8. I get to spend this time with my Dad.

ok, my list isnt that long but its been a tough week.

And so random..I kept taking my opk and monitor and I got a peak and positive Thursday night/Friday morning. Lovey came in to town and we got busy like two people that did NOT want to have quality time but for the pure reason of babies....well I started spotting..This is the second month that I have got a postive opk and spotted that night and for a few days...I called and told my Dr about it. I truly dont think there are any babies in there because after we did the two times, I have passed out from tiredness every night...so if I get knocked up this month will be purely God's timing.

please pray for me for strength.

Sorry for spelling. I cant spellcheck....dont have word on my new laptop yet.

so I can keep a record of what is going on....

Subject: Cass' Dad Update

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to send out an update on Cassie's Dad. He just got out of surgery and is in recovery. They ended up removing the top half of his left lung. They are sending the lymph nodes to pathology to see if they had cancer in them. The doctor felt that a couple of them might but we have to wait until tomorrow for the results. If the lymph nodes are cancerous then he will have to start chemo. The doctor did say that he did really well during surgery and that he is very strong. He also said that they looked at the lymph nodes in his neck and they looked great. So please pray that the testing comes back negative. Cass also said thank you for your thoughts and prayers. She appreciates it.

Thanks so much,
Jessica

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Sent: Thursday, April 10, 2008 11:09 PM


Hi Everyone,


Its been a long day...but we just got home from seeing Dad again. He looked much better this evening than at 4pm when we saw him. He is in ALOT of pain. The epidural did not work and they didnt know for sure till in the ICU he was still in so much pain. They have put him on a morphine pump, but he doesnt want to take it that much because he fears he will run out when he needs it most. He only gave himself 2 pumps in 2 hours which is not alot at all. We will find out tomorrow about the nodules- if they are cancerous or not. Like Jess said below, the surgery itself went so well.



We got him to smile tonight and his face lit up when DJ asked him if he wanted some Starbucks.

Thanks for all your prayers...please keep em coming.


Cass

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Sent: Friday, April 11, 2008 12:22 PM
Subject: RE: Cass' Dad Update


Hi Again,


We got mini results back….just the bad news nothing else…The nodules are cancerous. We don’t know how many of them are in fact cancerous; we don’t know anything else about them except that they are cancerous.


We have not told my Dad about any of it. If the Dr tells him later today than ok but we haven’t told him anything as of now because we all just want him to focus on just getting better.


He was in a lot of pain last night but they adjusted the pump to auto administer the morphine, Ann said. Once Lovey gets here in an hour…we are going to go see him.


Please pray for all of us. This is harder than I thought it would be.

Cass

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Sorry for the two emails in a few minutes…but we just heard from the Dr that out of all the nodules removed only 1 had cancer. We won’t know anything else till we go to the Oncologist. The Dr agrees that Dads primary focus is to get better.

The best news we could get for this....

So today I got a call from my step mom at 11:30 saying that the Dr. told them nothing but they would know something at 2PM when they go to the surgeon. Well they are an hour behind me and I didn’t get a call till 4pm. I have to say this was the longest day ever, so it seemed. Although I couldn't stop crying, we got the best news we could get.

Dad has Early Stage One Cancer. They believe the tumor has not spread to the lymphnodes, which is AMAZING NEWS. They are doing major surgery on Thursday and he will be in ICU for 4 days and then recovery is 6 weeks. They are removing his top lobe of his left lung and going through his shoulder blade in his back. We don’t know how long he will be in the hospital after ICU.

But guess what? No chemo or radiation!!!!

Here is a great source of info...http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/pdq/treatment/non-small-cell-lung/patient
and he has the Adenocarcinoma kind from smoking for 25 years and quitting over 25 years ago.

The only side effect will be loss of weight which the Dr looked at my Dad and said, that obviously won’t be a problem for you. haha

I fly out Tuesday till Sunday. My husband will join me Thursday to Sunday. I am touched beyond words that he just said "I'm coming, book me a ticket." I know he is my husband, but I am so touched...you have no idea. This is a BIG thing and I haven’t gone through a big thing with him. He wasn’t around when my mom died and I am used to doing things alone.

Surgery will be 2 1/2 hours long. There is a very small chance they could open him up and find the cancer has spread.

Thanks for the MANY prayers...they worked! Please keep em coming for the days ahead and that they open him up to find that the cancer has definetly not spread.

MANY MANY MANY thanks!

If I can help

So yesterday I was sitting here on my couch and I came across this blog regarding a lil girl named emily...Emily Story

It took my breath away. I cant imagine what they are going through. I thought that Emily writing about this and having a donation button for this family is so amazing. Not only is it amazing but I'm sure an answer to prayer.

So please if you are able to...read the story...if you feel led to, please donate to this cause. And please more than anything, pray.

Thank you

day by day

This is harder than it looks. The acting like you have all your stuff together when you really don't. I find when I am all alone I weep sighliently. This is either a new thing or it happened so long ago I dont remember with my mom...

My Dad called this am to tell me that since I am my brothers assistant, that I need to make him come to work at a reasonable hour...There are two things that are like huh?
1. I live in S Florida and they all live in Texas...so me physically waking him is kinda impossible.
2. This was about 9:40 am his time and my brother was on his way to work. I know that 9:40 is not early but its not terribly late either.

But he has cancer so I have to let him vent to me and try and console his anger.

I tried to work all day. It helps keep my mind from wondering too much. Lovey asked me to go Big Als the fish store. He just wanted to get me out of this place so I stop finding myself on websites of cancer doom. We went and got some water for our salt water tank and then went to Wendys and got me some food. I have NO appetite. And although its been 8 years since my mom died I can still hear Jessica in my head saying to me all those years ago...You have to eat. Force yourself. So I am.

I talked to my friend who is a nurse and she said its hard to say which way the cancer can go tll we know the severity of it. I know this but for some reason I hope she will have some devine knowledge into my future.

I am flying out there in a few days regardless of what is going to happen. Surgery or chemo he will need me.

please pray

ups and downs

So I called my Dad tonight to see how he is. I got myself to stop crying about an hour after I found out. I kinda see it as I cant do anything till Friday when we find out the whole story. So for me to get all worked up now is just, well...nonproductive. Ill cross that broken bridge somehow Friday.

My Dad and I talked for a long time again tonight. He laughed with me and I told him I wanted to come see him in Texas and he said that he has never denied me anything (this is not true, but he has cancer so he can say anything he wants) He wants to talk to me and DJ about the companies and what is going to happen to them. But I told him that its silly to already talk about that today. We have to wait to see what the dr says on Friday before we make any decisions. My dad says that the radiologist said that the cancer is very aggressive, the mass tripling in size in a few months.

My lovey went to the store and got us some groceries for me. He came home and I unpacked the groceries and he got me OK magazine and my favoorite root beer. He wanted to make me smile so he didnt buy tapioca pudding aka curdle milk pudding....he bought us some vanilla. He bought me some lunch. This doesnt mean much to many, but to me, its so nice, he just taking care of me.

I hate that I have to leave lovey to go see my Dad, but I gotta do what I gotta do. The babymaking thing is going to be on hold for a little bit..If we can make a baby by phone sex, than we will be the first. haha

This is hard.

I just found out my Dad has lung Cancer. He smoked 25-26 years ago...It breaks me. My mom died almost 8 years ago and it seems like yesterday. I dont think I can do this again...And at the same time, this is so not about me. This is about my whole family and my Dad. How broken he must be....

It is non-small cell carcinoma. 2.8 cm tumor. We will get more details Friday.

My step mother called me to see if I was ok and I was obviously crying and she said firmly, "Its ok, now we know what to pray for." and then had to get off the phone. I'm sorry, where you confused before? We were told he had a tumor in his lung. Did you think it might be ass cancer forming in his lung? Um, do you think that our God won't heal him if we don’t speak the exact word of the cancer we have? Do you think in the past that God didn’t heal people because we weren’t advanced enough in the medical field to know the name of the cancer? I'm sorry, I don’t know what God of mercy would not hear your prayers of ,"Please heal my Dad". I mean does she really think that God is going to hear the prayer louder if we say "non-small cell carcinoma"?

Sorry, don’t mean to rant....I just feel a serve a better, more loving, full of grace God than that. I hope she was just looking for something to say and something to lean on, and this is it.

Please pray