My mom and my dad divorced when i was 11 yrs old...all i remember is a mom that hated my love for my daddy...was so hateful and so jealous of our love...and that makes me sososo angry....so when he left...we became close....and the emotional abuse that she did to him,my brother i became the proud owners of....all she did was put us down and say what did or didn't do was wrong....DJ and I just clung to each other....DJ and I fed her together....went to the stores and paid with foodstamps together, we sat at the HRS center together, we both sat in the car as my mom would go through the McDonalds drive through and get her a diet coke and us nothing EVERY Sunday and EVERY Wednesday...man o man that sucked...dj would have to go buy her ex-lax when i wasnt around....and pads...uggg poor lil man...shave my moms legs...get the meal for the needful families from our Rich schools youth group "hey you here to help..no im here for food- ohhhh right over here" and the famous uniform bank...i think DJ hated this place the most because all the pants had patches in the knees so u could see that they were used...it was such a crappy place to be as a kid...ur momm, who can barely drive, drive u to one of the richest schools in S Florida in a car where the bumper is tied on with a piece of rope...um yeah...we were poor...but the church sent us to the rich school....nice huh....ummm no. embarrassing maybe....humbling maybe...but not nice.
people wonder why DJ and I are so close..this is why...we did it all together. Our older brother went to the navy and so wasnt around for alot of the yuckyness....I look back at all her years of not being very nice as....she was sick, no husband, 3 kids to take care of and she was dying....i cant imagine that heartache....and a church that makes u feel like if you have a moment where ur truly sad then "YOUR NOT TRUSTING GOD ENOUGH AND UR A FAILURE" u need to trust the Lord and he will help you...so my sick mother would have this face on that she was sososo nice and our home was so perfecf and it wasnt but the church thought so....
this is why i feel its sososo important to be around jess lil girls...so when they go through the awkward times in their life...they have someone to talk to...to help them...its hard to grow up and to feel like u HAVE to be a grown up now...we want them to enjoy being lil....your only lil once....
I was 16 years old and though i was ohhh so smart...i wasnt, but I THOUGHT i was...
got married..my mom was so sick and I hated living at home...i felt so not loved and so used....now i look back and what a shame it is to think you know everything....at the age of 20 i divorced this man who loved me more than life itself...he thought i was the BEST...he loved my laugh, my smile, and all of my weaknesses...he was so amazing....he is the one that tought me what it feels like to be loved....to bad i didn't feel the same way back....i not only ripped his heart out, other people too....thats the only time that jess and i didn't speak for a time....i was such a mess...i had just a miscarraige....and i was sososo lost...i look back now and the things i did and the way i acted wasnt even me....and im ashamed....
then i moved on to the BIG LOSER....Robert....
he was EVERYTHING that Nino wasnt...financially secure....mature, didn't like comic books....but...he didn't like me or love me either..he may have in his own silly way but he defenetly wasnt able to show it EVER...I got kick ass bday and Christmas gifts....but that was it.it was because HE wanted to look awesome when people asked me what i got....i could say , this couch, or this camera...bling bling and he felt like he was sososo cool..he was one of the most manipulative people EVER. I spent 4 years of life trying to make that work because I thought that it was 100% my fault that Nino and I didn't work....ugggg...maybe its me....
then my girlfriend Kara gave me a place to stay and boy did we ever paint the town red...sosososo much fun....i LOVED being single....no men to tie me down right now....i loved shopping, getting my nails and feet down, going to the beach, smoking...just being me....cuddling up in my own bed and not lying there thinkin...what is he thinkin....i loved it with all my heart and soul...
then i saw him...
and he smiled....
and we spoke and the rest is really just a bunch of history....good history and bad....on my part...i was lost and a mess and he helped me find myself...truly find myself....I was aloud to still be that fun girl that i was when i was single...but i was soosos insecure....and him and jess and a shrink helped me truly be happy....he is everything that i loved in both of the boys above...but first and foremost..he is the ONLY boy that i FEEL in love with...like sick in love....he loves me like im the BEST thing EVER.....he is financially secure, we have an awesome home....he is a kid...but too much of one....he has a sense of humor and loves to laugh like me...and he loves my kids...well jess's girls...he loves em....and i love him for loving them....
and now as i am about to enter into another convanent before God...i hope that this is the one he counts....I am sososo sad that I have done this before...but i pormise I didn't realize how much i would grow or change....
I love Lovey with all my heart and soul and I promise before God and these witness to be his wife till the day i get called home to be an angel again....
this i promise...
this i swear....
and i think to myself...what a wonderful world....:)
and now i sit here thinking...i miss my mom more than i EVER dreamed i would....i wish she could see her daughter smart, happy, successful...LOOK MOM I MADE IT....i know she can see from heaven...but i know she would have wanted to live to see my children if she knew this was the family i was goin to have them with....
ill never forget how thankful i am for what she said on her deathbed...she told me...cass....i love u....u dont have to marry Robert....its ok, and i said...with tears a flowing...go for the fairytale? and she nodded.......and after she died i kinda waited awhile but i felt like i had the most important persons opinion....she always told me i could have the fairytale....just believe....my Grandma told me NO..hahahahaha she told me i watched to much TV...hahahha but my mom did...and i think she would be more than thrilled to know that i did it....like her card from heaven said...i have not only found my soulmate....but myself..my truly- happy self..something she never got to do....and this i think she would truly be proud of....
so as i sit here...mom....i miss u more than u will ever know...i miss cuddling up in ur green recliner and u holding me like im lil again....i miss ur laugh, i miss ur funny faces....i misss how u would giggle at everything...maybe thats why i love shanis giggle so much because its a lil piece of u...
i cant wait to hug and kisss u again.....ohhh and one more thing mom....
can u see whos comin to MY wedding???? your 2 boys....and our Daddy...we did it...i made nice with him so we can be together again...and thats what u wanted.....so when you the picture of us three kids hangs in my house...know that im smiliing for you...because thats what u wanted....us 3 to be together........
i luv u
