So as you can read, its been a tough couple of days. Well I started spotting yesterday at 8 DPO -so yes it could be implatation but now my boobs are starting to not hurt like OMG, so the chances is not good that I'm prego....And I'm ok.
My dog Taffy had seazures this am...took her to the vet and they ran test. she has a heart murmer that is a 3 out of a 6. They did Xrays and said to watch her and bring her back if she experiences loss of breath or 6 months...whichever comes first. She is home and happy.
I got the email from my Dad today. Its the worst we has feared.
I watched Oprah and it was about a woman that lost her arms and legs to a virus after labor....she made my "hard" life look like a walk in the park. So I'm gonna try and look for the silver lining in all this.
The other day I asked my husband and I wrote about the parents I was assigned by God, that it was a sick joke. Well when my husband walked in the house with " Fall Flowers" and a cinnamon broom, I thought, lucky me. Then we were laying in bed and my spooky was doing the no pants dance (kneeding) on my chest and purring away and rubbing on me with his face...showing how much he loves his mommy and Lovey turned over watching us and laughing and saying how he loves mommy too.....I thought, lucky me...so maybe God was joking when he gave me not so perfect parents, but he made up for it when he gave me Lovey, Jess and Spooky.
Lucky me.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I'm so sorry
I have emailed and texted my Dad regarding the results of his latest scan....
this is what I got back from him in an email this morning...
"The cancer n the lungs remains stable, unchanged. The cancer n the brain is growing and enlarging. This is the report in a nutsheel. I do not know what we are going to do at this time. Wil keep you informed once we do.
Thanks for asking."
He must be so broken.
I emailed him that I love him. I hope its enough.
this is what I got back from him in an email this morning...
"The cancer n the lungs remains stable, unchanged. The cancer n the brain is growing and enlarging. This is the report in a nutsheel. I do not know what we are going to do at this time. Wil keep you informed once we do.
Thanks for asking."
He must be so broken.
I emailed him that I love him. I hope its enough.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
wayyy overdue
You know how time flies by and you don’t do the things that are so normal for you and when someone asks why you have been gone, or distant, you always say that your soooo busy and apologize so much they tell you its fine and you genuinely feel bad? Well that’s been my life x50. I have been so emotionally spent that I just can’t find the time to update because that would mean I would have to rehash all that I am going through. And I like the denial thing and rehashing makes denying. well hard.
My Dad had his scan on Friday to see if the chemo has worked, and we will find out the results this upcoming week. His wife is still very hard to deal with. I asked to fly there a few weeks back and was told no I had to make more sales and focus on those things and not coming to visit my possibly dyeing father.
And you know how some people go through a life changing event and you can see how resilient they are because they don’t even seem like they are going through something so tough. Like my mother when she knew she would die in 21 days or less. Well she lived a wonderful 3 months 10 days and she laughed most of the time through that. Well my Dad is not that person. He is negative and puts everyone around him down. He talks mean to all and acts as though we all owe him the world. This is hard for more than one reason. This is hard because I have tried to turn the other cheek with my Dad after leaving us 3 kids with a dying mother to go live in another country. He also didn’t send us one dime. He says he lived on someone’s floor for 2 years and then he started making money. Well we kids were still on food stamps and having our thanksgiving dinner and Christmas gifts donated to us from charity at that time still. A few hundred dollars would have come in kinda handy. But no. Not only that, he told us then and still believes that God himself told him to leave us..... So with me not ever having a personal conversation with God I haven't been able to ask him if he told him or not. So, I have let that go. Then 2 yrs ago he didn’t come to my reception because we served wine, beer, and had a champagne toast. He did not pay for any of it. At all. I didn’t understand him being so cold to me.But I told myself that at least he came down and gave me away at my wedding which I never, as a teenager, thought would happen, especially when he lived in another country. And working for him is...... um, very trying to say the least. My husband is so sick of hearing how my Dad will pay me my way overdue commissions soon. And then my step mom will call me and tell me how they gave my younger brother thousands after I get the song of poverty and how they can’t afford my commissions. Huh? And now that my Dad is so sick and he has mismanaged his and the companies money for years and years its hard when you call to say I love you, and get from him, you need to make more sales and you cant come here because we want you to focus on more sales. And then reading numerous emails that DJ has forwarded to me from my Dad to DJ, bashing DJ and me...saying how I need to work and I'm on vacation. Vacation? Haha...Also the fact that he is married to a woman that is a year older than me and they sleep on a 10k adjustable temperpedic bed and that they froze his sperm before chemo so she can have IVF soon is well..... is all very different to deal with . And to be honest I’m kinda jealous that they have all this money and all these material things and Lovey and I have to work so hard for our stuff. And that is actually so good, makes us appreciate things more. But for people to constantly think that because my Dad lives the high life, he must spoil his only daughter. And the reason that Lovey and I live comfortable is because he is very giving to me with his money and that couldn’t be further from truth. So all of these things combined together make it hard to be lovey dovey with him. My brother is in the process of buying him out. It is very trying, but it will be done, soon. And to be honest the sooner the better. For all of us.
My brother and his girlfriend are expecting a little girl. They are doing better. Now that DJ knows its a girl, he seems to be very excited and that makes me so happy. I have already bought lots of little clothes. DJ is so cute doing all this research on everything about the baby. I am helping her mom throw her a shower in November. It’s going to be lots of fun. We are going to have it at my other brother huge house. I can’t wait.
Lovey is taking me to Vero Beach for our anniversary. He tried to surprise me, but left the confirmation letter on the counter and I found it...but yayayayayayyay for the Disney resort on the beach for 4 days....wowwww The past two years have been so good and easy. This reminds me that we have been trying to make a baby for 2 years. Well I found out that Texas insurance from my company covers IVF...so if we aren’t prego by Jan, then we will fly to Texas for IVF. Its wayyy cheaper to fly there a few times for the IVF and pay for the extra insurance then pay for it out of pockets here in Fl. I’m currently taking clomid and will for the next 3 months....Either way I hope to be knocked up in the next 6 months,
I can’t wait for Christmas. Our house is newly remodeled. It’s going to look sosososoo good. We are also going to Disney and taking the family. We are using our Disney timeshare points for the year and getting a 3 bedroom house on the Animal Kingdom reservation for 2 days. We are all going to Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas. It’s going to be so fun.
One of my closest friends is moving NYC this week. She is awesome. I want to come visit her and Honeymink around Christmas time. As cliché as it is, the ice rink? The tree? cold clothes? omgomgomg. I will miss her immensely but it’s such a good thing for her.
We have been going to this little Irish Pub. It is a little piece of heaven. They sing Irish music we eat good food and maybe a few Irish carboms and some dark beer. Good times.
Victoria and Ronnies first outing without cooper..she looks amazing
Lovey's shaved head
Victoria loves being a mommy. Cooper was born on August 21st. He is already growing so big but so little...
Their first softball game
his 2nd game
Could eat them both
He is staring at his favorite Aunt Tassie
ohh and Lovey shaved his head. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it like I thought I would.
and the wayyyy over due picture of the wedding gift that I got Lovey for Joanna aka Everclear.
This is our spooky who is just over a year old. I'm a dirtbag mommy and missed his birthday.
Love all of you and if you pray...pray for me.
My Dad had his scan on Friday to see if the chemo has worked, and we will find out the results this upcoming week. His wife is still very hard to deal with. I asked to fly there a few weeks back and was told no I had to make more sales and focus on those things and not coming to visit my possibly dyeing father.
And you know how some people go through a life changing event and you can see how resilient they are because they don’t even seem like they are going through something so tough. Like my mother when she knew she would die in 21 days or less. Well she lived a wonderful 3 months 10 days and she laughed most of the time through that. Well my Dad is not that person. He is negative and puts everyone around him down. He talks mean to all and acts as though we all owe him the world. This is hard for more than one reason. This is hard because I have tried to turn the other cheek with my Dad after leaving us 3 kids with a dying mother to go live in another country. He also didn’t send us one dime. He says he lived on someone’s floor for 2 years and then he started making money. Well we kids were still on food stamps and having our thanksgiving dinner and Christmas gifts donated to us from charity at that time still. A few hundred dollars would have come in kinda handy. But no. Not only that, he told us then and still believes that God himself told him to leave us..... So with me not ever having a personal conversation with God I haven't been able to ask him if he told him or not. So, I have let that go. Then 2 yrs ago he didn’t come to my reception because we served wine, beer, and had a champagne toast. He did not pay for any of it. At all. I didn’t understand him being so cold to me.But I told myself that at least he came down and gave me away at my wedding which I never, as a teenager, thought would happen, especially when he lived in another country. And working for him is...... um, very trying to say the least. My husband is so sick of hearing how my Dad will pay me my way overdue commissions soon. And then my step mom will call me and tell me how they gave my younger brother thousands after I get the song of poverty and how they can’t afford my commissions. Huh? And now that my Dad is so sick and he has mismanaged his and the companies money for years and years its hard when you call to say I love you, and get from him, you need to make more sales and you cant come here because we want you to focus on more sales. And then reading numerous emails that DJ has forwarded to me from my Dad to DJ, bashing DJ and me...saying how I need to work and I'm on vacation. Vacation? Haha...Also the fact that he is married to a woman that is a year older than me and they sleep on a 10k adjustable temperpedic bed and that they froze his sperm before chemo so she can have IVF soon is well..... is all very different to deal with . And to be honest I’m kinda jealous that they have all this money and all these material things and Lovey and I have to work so hard for our stuff. And that is actually so good, makes us appreciate things more. But for people to constantly think that because my Dad lives the high life, he must spoil his only daughter. And the reason that Lovey and I live comfortable is because he is very giving to me with his money and that couldn’t be further from truth. So all of these things combined together make it hard to be lovey dovey with him. My brother is in the process of buying him out. It is very trying, but it will be done, soon. And to be honest the sooner the better. For all of us.
My brother and his girlfriend are expecting a little girl. They are doing better. Now that DJ knows its a girl, he seems to be very excited and that makes me so happy. I have already bought lots of little clothes. DJ is so cute doing all this research on everything about the baby. I am helping her mom throw her a shower in November. It’s going to be lots of fun. We are going to have it at my other brother huge house. I can’t wait.
Lovey is taking me to Vero Beach for our anniversary. He tried to surprise me, but left the confirmation letter on the counter and I found it...but yayayayayayyay for the Disney resort on the beach for 4 days....wowwww The past two years have been so good and easy. This reminds me that we have been trying to make a baby for 2 years. Well I found out that Texas insurance from my company covers IVF...so if we aren’t prego by Jan, then we will fly to Texas for IVF. Its wayyy cheaper to fly there a few times for the IVF and pay for the extra insurance then pay for it out of pockets here in Fl. I’m currently taking clomid and will for the next 3 months....Either way I hope to be knocked up in the next 6 months,
I can’t wait for Christmas. Our house is newly remodeled. It’s going to look sosososoo good. We are also going to Disney and taking the family. We are using our Disney timeshare points for the year and getting a 3 bedroom house on the Animal Kingdom reservation for 2 days. We are all going to Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas. It’s going to be so fun.
One of my closest friends is moving NYC this week. She is awesome. I want to come visit her and Honeymink around Christmas time. As cliché as it is, the ice rink? The tree? cold clothes? omgomgomg. I will miss her immensely but it’s such a good thing for her.
We have been going to this little Irish Pub. It is a little piece of heaven. They sing Irish music we eat good food and maybe a few Irish carboms and some dark beer. Good times.
Victoria and Ronnies first outing without cooper..she looks amazing
Lovey's shaved head
Victoria loves being a mommy. Cooper was born on August 21st. He is already growing so big but so little...
Their first softball game
his 2nd game
Could eat them both
He is staring at his favorite Aunt Tassie
ohh and Lovey shaved his head. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it like I thought I would.
and the wayyyy over due picture of the wedding gift that I got Lovey for Joanna aka Everclear.
This is our spooky who is just over a year old. I'm a dirtbag mommy and missed his birthday.
Love all of you and if you pray...pray for me.
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