speedbump

sorry for the crickets but my plate has been full. My husband and I are doing awesome. Im seeing a shrink that I love.

We went to the Dr for my routine visit for my SCA and they said that the MRI that I had showed that my cerebellum is the same size as it has been which is
AMAZING NEWS considering the amount it shrinks coralates with how much it has progressed..so the Dr said again I could be just like this forever...
but
they did find a mass on my pituitary gland. They said its the reason that my memory is so bad and my other symptoms like fatigue. So they took me in for an emergency MRI last night and my brother n law and his wife came and sat with us. It helped. I prayyyyy its nothing they cant take care of easily but when you have anything growing on your brain when your Dad died of cancer about a year ago, your kinda scared.

the above with the fact that my body gave in and got a cold with a 103 fever when I never get fevers was awesome....

I havent really told anyone cause of three reason...
a. I feel like I have had too much drama lately so this is just wtf?
b. I dont want it to be real. I thought SCA was my bad card I was delt, then infertility, now something growing in my brain.....
c. not everyone is my best friend. I thought I had 4455215487 of them, but after the recent events I know I can count them on one hand.

btw my husband looking at me in my most vurnable spot, telling me we will make this ok, so helped...then hugged me all night...and my niece and nephew telling me while laying on their couch that they love me is yummy...

off to another shoot this am...

Mothers Day 2011

Every year I have a pity party on Mothers Day but noone attends but me...which is no fun. So I decided that I want to celebrate the mommies in my life...so I went out with lovey on Saturday. I wore my hot dress and lovey called me beautiful so I was soooo happy....and then he was so awesome all night.
So Sunday, we got up ate some breakfast...cried a little when i read the three cards he bought me. Then we went to my moms grave. I sat and cried and lovey talked to her...it was the first time ever that he did this..then we went to his Mom's and had the best time. She got me an "Aunt" card which was soooo sweet. I swung on the swing set and lovwey pushed me....I wont lie, I was a little giddy.

Then I had my routine brain MRI last night and he filled out the paperwork which earned him 4521265 brownie points. Then he sat with me in the room while I had it done. I love him so much. And when I said I knew this was in him, here it is...luv him

a little giddy...

Thankful

so as i was going through the hardest time ever, I blogged through it...so now that we are back together I think I should blog what is going on...

I have learned through this ordeal who my true friends are...i soooo get that people may not agree with my choice to be back with Gary but to talk smack behind my back is not right.

Also I learned that not everyone is my BFF and I only share little parts with people instead of telling the world everything.

Being that my friends roster is way down...I have 451254 minutes to obsess a little over lovey...and during the day I am so not insecure. I feel so loved. Then at about 4pm almost all days I start in on the obsessive behavior...which includes thoughts like, why am I doing this? he is gonna leave. again. He thought all the way home that he doesnt love me anymore. He is only with me cause I am sick and he feels bad. And these feelings are reinforced by his not touching me every single second means he doesnt love me like that..

I feel like if I obsess over this... then when he comes to me again and tells me he is done....that I will see it coming this time...

the sad thing is that when I tell him any of these thoughts, he gets upset and tells me he is getting tired of this..which leads to me crying and telling him how I am sorry that Im broke, but he broke us. I pray that someone will tell him to give me a break...Then the next time at 4pm, I think he is so done because of this but WTF, I am aloud to be a little crazy....um he had an affair for 3 months....then the vicious circle begins...its awesome

i wish I could be like him and act like it never ever happened but it did....


and whats more sad is that we have been super good. He is affectionate. He texts and calls me all day everyday. He buys me all kinds of cute little gifts. He is supportive of us getting debt free and loves my business....I know this dumb insecurity is all me. I hate it. Im gonna shop on ebay for a new personality....