a light?

So today and last night I experienced my very first feelings of dispair...yes, with everything I have gone through, this was the first time I felt like I couldn't get a break. anywhere. I mean I have felt dispair, but I always new I could fix it. But today I couldnt fix anything, my words meant nothing to everyone. I felt the kind of dispair I dont even want to type about.

My Dad is sosossoso sick. To think that Cancer would be the worst of it. Ha, don't we wish. As of today, new chemo date is July 7th.

My brother is having the way overdue talk with his girlfriend or babymama very soon. I am not even worried about this, it is what it is.
It just seems so small compared to the sickness my Dad is going through.

My older brother got the house....yep, the 3200 sq foot house for 135k. Holy cheapness batman.

Then I got home from my 3 wk visit in Texas and I felt emotionally drained. Well to add to my stress I have this gigantic stack of bills that my insurance hasn't paid, to only remind me of my infertileness annnnnd my husband wants a boat.

What?

And where are we going to put this 23foot boat? At my mom's, he answers. After explaining how this financial party would not help us build that safety net we so badly want to have by Jan09, I think I am in the clear. NOT. He brings it up again and again. Even telling someone on the phone how his wife and him have decided to buy this boat...Um, NEWS FLASH....Im infertile... We might have to pay for IVF. I would like to have more than a few hundred in savings if we have to go that rout. How is he all the way on that page and I am allllll the way on this one? So I make him a spreadsheet at his request to show him our bills and where we are. We are comfortable and we pay 380.00 a month for our awesome kitchen and our Disney timeshare is 260.00 per month....and to add a boat payment? How is he confused? So after this nifty spreadsheet I make him, I think I am in the clear. Um, no. Today he called the bank to ask them how we can take a loan out to pay our bills. She said to take from your 401k....ABSOLUTELY NOT. Now if we were in financial trouble I would consider, but we arnt. My husband wants a boat and he will do anything to make it happen. So to add to my full plate and side dishes, he wont relent on this. So I break, like more than I ever have before. I was actually thinking that he is 31 yrs old and makes $$$plus a year and doesn't need me to tell him what he can and cant buy. Maybe I should leave. Maybe I should go to Texas. Yeah that's a good idea. Divorce because you don't know how to tell your husband that your not ready to be financially strapped for a boat. Nice. So he comes home tonight, once again into my wonderful uplifting attitude. haha. Don't I wish. I am sitting in the dark in our living room, crying. He comes in and I tell him what is wrong. All of it. I know, lucky him. He tells me how he is hurt that I was thinking the D word over honesty. I told him I knew it was dumb. He said not only is it dumb, but if it ever came out of his mouth, it would be unacceptable. I think it was his way of telling me not to EVER consider leaving again.

Well I feel MUCH better


Then I talk to my brother and he is so motivated for work, it makes me proud. Then the guy we hired back got a 14k order. It was a unit I quoted a few weeks back, he told me..but he found a unit to broker..so I gave him the order. I figure getting a 14k order on your first day has to boost your confidence...so I gave one for our team. So after I very long and hard day at work...its getting better.

My brother not only went to visit my Dad this weekend and talked very softly to him, he also called his wife and talked to her about work and smoothed her fears on this 500k order that our Asian office got. And I love this. I love that he is back. Back from God knows where, but back in action.


I am proud of my brother and I am thankful for such an amazing husband who has learned me in and out. Who hugged me tonight, which is better than patronizing me like last night.

Now I feel even better

Prayers please 2nd edition

So I sit here in Texas, so much has gone on. I am very overwhelmed.

First things first my brother is on a weekend getaway which is more than needed. My older brother got approved for 175k and found some houses for 150k and was going to make an offer on them. When they asked for the preapproval letter, it came back that because of his debt/income ratio, he is only approved for 135k. He was more than bummed..well it made him look at more houses. So we found a house bigger than before, built in 04. 3200 squ ft for 138k. IT is a foreclosure. Well he made an offer and GOT IT!!! Well they countered at 138k and got it. YaY! So good news in a rough week.

My Dad had to put off radiation because the Dr’s don’t know that he can handle both the chemo and radiation at the same time. So they scheduled chemo for this Monday. So I changed my ticket to come home a week later to be here for his first week of chemo. Well they checked his heart at his request last Friday and they found some issues. He may have a blood clot in his arm from the dye of the bone scan. Then they found a blockage in his heart. They wont know till they do another test Wednesday how serious it is. But chemo has been postponed again. They don’t know when they will start. Annnd I just found out that a nodule in his lung could not be removed in his surgery. It is showing “hot” on the pet scan. They won’t know if it’s hot from cancer or bruised from surgery. The thing that scares me is he constantly out of breath and having pain in his chest. What if it is cancer spreading and causing the symptoms of the lung cancer. The nodules they removed where already Stage 2b, so what if the nodule left in there was that and has gotten worse in the 8wks since surgery…..so many questions. I just keep telling myself that it is what it is.

So I went to stay with him for a few days..Last night and all day today. He yelled at me twice about my brothers….nice, not me. But my brothers. I broke down and cried. I am so done with taking the blame or explaining things for my brothers for issues that arnt real issues, but my Dad being irrational, they are issues. So I call my brothers GF and asked her to come get me. We went to church, then to dinner and now we are home. I told my Dad we will be there in the am. He wanted me to stay but watching CNN 24 hrs a day and having him lecture me is just too much.

I cant wait to come home this Thursday to hug my Lovey and play with my animals but most of all not have anyone yell at me or lecture me anymore. Im tired and need a break. I can only be strong for everyone so much then I am done. Well I am done.

I am sad because I talk on the phone with my jess to vent and have some friend therapy but I cant that much because it is like 2457854558 degrees outside and DJ’s GF is in the house and can hear and when I am at work everyone can hear me…so here is my post.


please keep em coming

prayers please

my plate is full.

I am here in Texas and while dealing with my broken brother and his prego gf. She is 7wks 4 days per Dr visit today.

My Dad starts chemo and radiation next Friday. I think I was prepared for that but when I heard the fear in his voice when he told me how the Dr told him how tired and sick he will be and how he needs to put his life on hold for 4 months..I broke. I am not coming home next Thursday. I am staying here for at least the first week of treatment. He is afraid for our company. He is scared that my brother will drop the ball. He wont, but they are totally legitimate fears.

I hate to see two very important men in my life in so much emotional pain.

If I ever wondered why I wasnt prego yet, now that I can be here for my dad during this treatment, I dont wonder. I am beyond at peace with it.